black and (A)broad

Last year I was tagged to respond to list after list asking me to share bits of personal information with friends, acquaintances and total strangers. The questions on this list are just as revealing inasmuch as they point to a depth of character. Haven’t we all heard the saying that “if it doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you stronger”? I hope that you not only say “yes” to all ten items, but that you also take a moment or two to think about the situations and how you reacted to them. They’re not the “nicest” of experiences, but they do balance out the bucket lists.

When’s the last time you:

1. Got caught in the rain and cussed because of it
2. Just missed the bus, tram or train and were late to an appointment
3. Were relocated and felt deeply homesick
4. Received a ding letter
5. Cried
6. Broke something because you were so mad
7. Had an identity crisis
8. Experienced racial (sex, age) discrimination
9. Missed your favorite television show
10. Faced one of your prejudices

Feel welcome to copy and paste this list and forward it. Better yet, make up your own!

Posted in Living smarter not harder, Reflections | 2 Comments »

It’s 13:30 and I’ve just sat down for the first time today. My plan was to write. You see, I’m a bit behind on my 850-word-a-day deadline for my forthcoming first book, so maybe right now isn’t such a good moment to stop and look around me. There’s a mess everywhere. Have a look for yourself:

Do you know that I felt tired when I looked at the mess and thought to myself that maybe I’m spreading myself too thin. I don’t even have time to straighten up my house. As I write this piece, my toddler is yelling through the baby phone that she has a poop diaper. She’s supposed to be napping. So, before I finish this post, I’ll have to trudge upstairs and change her stinky diaper. Let me go on and do it now. Excuse me for a few minutes …….

Oh, my bad: her doll has a poop diaper. See what I mean? See why my house is a mess?

Despite needing to work on my book, I’m blogging because as I sat here looking around at all the messes, the words “live smarter not harder” flew through my head. Then I asked myself this question: do I look at the mess or should I look at what the mess means?

I already know how simply looking at the mess makes me feel: tired and inadequate; so, I thought briefly about what the mess means, and this is what I came up with.

I picked Chloe up from school this afternoon so she could eat lunch at home with her little sister and me. They sat agreeably on the couch and watched a bit of tv while they ate their sandwiches. I joined them when my leftovers from last night were warmed up. Paige passed gas, and the three of us cracked up when she laughed and said “pardon”.

When I finished my lunch, I went to the kitchen and made tonight’s dinner. Since Paige has her “mother and toddler” gym class this afternoon, I won’t have too much time afterwards to get dinner done so that we can eat early and put the kids to bed early enough to have some adult time. I made some delicious chili, by the way, also known as macaroni in Dutch.

While dinner was going, I also made myself a delicious pot of lentil soup with coconut milk since tomorrow I won’t have time to make it - I have several appointments. Tomorrow Paige goes to daycare, but today she’s home with me.

I realize I made a conscious decision to leave my position as an advisor at the university, in part to be at home when my kids get home from school. I realize I made a conscious decision to do my work during the three days that Paige is in daycare so that I’d have the other two free to spend with her and only her.

I noticed myself relaxing a bit and even patting myself on the back for spending quality time with my kids, preparing healthy, home-cooked meals for my family and giving up control over those things that, a month from now, won’t matter. I smiled at myself for realizing that a few years ago, I was almost obsessive with outer orderliness as a way to cover up my internal chaos. I’ve worked smart the last years, striving to be “OK” with where I am in my life or even in my day, and by allowing myself a few moments to look at what my messes mean, I’m rewarded with the gift of self-acceptance.

And a messy house!

Posted in Living smarter not harder, Reflections | 6 Comments »

Meditating is one of those practices we all know we should add to our daily/weekly regimes but rarely ever manage to incorporate. I’ve used every reason (read excuse) in the book for avoiding meditation: “I can’t seem to find 10 minutes of quiet time”, “I don’t know how”, “It’s really something for gurus and the like”.  I don’t know about you, but I find the idea of meditating quite intimidating, you know, twisting your body like a sitting pretzel and chanting “om” for hours on end. I recently (two days ago) found out that learning to meditate, at least in the beginning, doesn’t involve making time or even making your body do almost inhuman things. This week’s Living Smarter not Harder tip is to share a bit of wisdom passed along to me about quieting my mind.

Eleven years ago I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, a chronic condition affecting  my large intestines. My GI explained that curing colitis is not possible and that I would have to take medicine for the rest of my life. From the very beginning I refused to accept this prognosis about my life and vowed to find a way to prove it wrong. After years of taking meds and somewhat following my doctors’ advice to lower my stress level and reduce dairy products, which admittedly have helped to minimize my symptoms, I decided to try something different.

I went to the Internet and started looking for information on alternative medicine and stumbled across Ayurveda, an ancient, holistic Indian system of healing. The basic premise of Ayurveda is to achieve and maintain emotional, spiritual, and physical (lifestyle) balance. As each person is biologically different, it stands that any “disease” or disruption in balance, will manifest itself differently. On my first visit a little over a year ago, my vadya (I think this is what a practitioner of Ayurveda is called) said that he wasn’t as interested in the colitis as what was going on in my life that allowed it to manifest. What followed was a year of continuing my efforts to heal the tragedies that beset my youth, getting accustomed to a slight change in my dietary habits, and finding ways to enjoy a healthier lifestyle (sleeping 7-8 hours, finding a fulfilling career at home, quality time with family, etc). 

On Sunday I was happy to report to my vadya that I’ve had no symptoms for about a year, and ,best of all, my thinking has been become clearer and more positive. However, I’m still struggling to quiet my mind. It’s always going. That’s when he told me, and not for the first time, that I needed to learn how to meditate. “How do I do that?” I asked. “By focusing 100% of your attention to whatever it is you’re doing,” he explained.  According to his philosophy, by training my mind to block all thoughts that distract me from the task at hand, I’ll eventually develop the skill to empty mind while taking on “traditional” meditation.

“When you’re eating,” he began, “sit and eat. Look at the food on your plate, taking in its colors and form. Smell it. As you’re chewing it, pay attention to how each morsel tastes. Turn off the tv; close your book or magazine; put the cell phone away and just eat.” Meditation is a process, and if I apply this art of focused attention, I’m laying the foundation for quieting my mind in meditation.

Eager to learn, I’ve put this art into practice the last two days. It’s not easy, but when has learning ever been easy? To remind myself to keep at it, I’ve put “meditation” in my day planner as one of my top priorities everyday.  Thank you, Dr. Mehta, for your wisdom and this week’s tip.

Posted in Living smarter not harder | 1 Comment »

This week’s Living Smarter not Harder tip is inspired by a piece of advice a good friend of mine gave me years ago. At the time I didn’t quite understand Godelieve when she tried to help me out of the rut I’d dug myself into regarding my doctoral dissertation. I’d been struggling to balance motherhood, a job and finishing my degree. She told me “Carolyn, a different approach always yields a different result.”

A couple years later I was to put that advice to the test. Chloe, then a toddler, wasn’t eating well. What began as a normal behavior ended with hubby and I banging our heads against a brick wall. We constantly lectured her (a two-year-old) about the importance of eating a variety of food. When she didn’t want to try a vegetable, we’d make her stand in the hallway (our preferred discipline) for two minutes. We’d keep this up either until she ate or until she just wore us down.

At the time she was still going to the **consultatie bureau for regular check-ups, so we brought our struggle to the “experts”. Their advice? If she doesn’t want to eat, don’t force it. Let her be. Of course, as parents, we wouldn’t accept her missing meals so we went back to our “solution”. Needless to say, mealtimes – especially dinner – became a battle of wills.

Eventually, Chloe started trying different types of food, which was a relief. However, we’d end up sitting at the table for darn near an hour trying to get her to finish her plate. By the time she was three and a half, we’d had it. Dinnertime was a chore; no one was talking or laughing. We usually left the table feeling down.

Godelieve’s advice came niggling back into a small corner of my mind, and I said “Ok. We’re going to try something different here. We’ll rule out any physical problems first.” I took her to our family doctor, who did a brief check-up and concluded that she was a healthy, thriving little girl. She had enough energy to play all day, she was talking up a storm, was rarely sick, and was happy.

In the meantime Chloe still was taking almost an hour to eat her dinner. My next step was to forget about getting more advice from the medical side and consult the real experts: friends with small kids. The first suggestion was to give her small portions, maybe a tablespoonful of veggies, a half drumstick, and a small potato. Chloe took to this change quite well.

Another friend, whose twin daughters were experiencing the same difficulties with eating. He suggested that instead of putting meat, veggie, and starch on the plate at the same time, we serve Chloe one thing at a time. I saw real potential in this plan. I was even inspired to let Chloe choose which food item she wanted in which order. Suddenly, she the food began disappearing quicker than before, but still taking the better part of a half hour.

A neighbor recommended we eat sooner, as children get tired after school (Chloe was now about four) and playing with friends. Ok. We were typically sitting down at 7.00pm (when hubby was usually home from work), so I resolved to have dinner on the table at 6.00pm and no later than 6.30. Whoa, it was working! And, there was a bonus: hubby started coming home earlier – and – after dinner he took over the bedtime rituals. Exciting.

Unfortunately, when Chloe was about five, the problems started again. She would put a morsel of food in her mouth, where it would stay a good few minutes. She’d hold it in her cheeks (yes, like a chipmunk), talk, chew, sing, chew, play, chew. The frustration started building again. This time, instead of taking her back to the doctors and clinic, we began by asking another neighbor, who, I think, found the solution.

Her daughter had had her tonsils taken out about six months ago, and her mother was telling me how much better she eats! Then it all started making sense to me: the snoring, the regular complaints about a sore throat, her extreme leanness. Maybe this time it was physical. A trip to an ENT confirmed it: her tonsils were so swollen, they almost touched. We were advised to make an appointment for a tonsillectomy as soon as possible.

Tomorrow morning we’re taking Chloe to the hospital to have the ornery little buggers removed, thereby removing (hopefully) her ornery eating habits!

Running around in circles is, at the very least, exhausting. At the worst it’s frustrating and a bit depressing. No one wins and nothing gets resolved. I’ve applied my friend’s brilliant advice to other areas of my life and have found that when I change my approach to a problem or situation, I always get a different result. Now, I may not achieve the desired result at first, but by being open to a variety of approaches, I eventually achieve my goal, without the frustration, irritation, and stress. That’s living smarter!

In which areas are you running around in circles or banging your head against a brick wall?

**As long as a baby is healthy and developing “normally”, his/her progress is monitored in a type of clinic. Babies are weighed and their length and width of their head measured. Vaccinations are also done here. Great system!

Posted in Living smarter not harder | 4 Comments »

This week’s tip for living smarter not harder is simple and seemingly obvious, but I believe a lot of us, women especially, take it for granted. It’s asking for help.

I’m not sure where this idea of women having to do it all originated, but I do know that we feel compelled to be the sole nurturers in our families, aces at the office, the shoulders our best friends in crisis cry on, sexual tigers with our husbands/partners, and the list goes on. It doesn’t help that our community and some of our own mothers, mine in particular, raise us to believe we have to be strong, independent (black) women. Indeed, my mother’s catch phrase was “I don’t need anybody, least of all a man.”

I was in crisis the months after Chloe was born. After 5 months maternity leave, I couldn’t wait to get back to work, which included teaching a literature course in an area I had no experience with, my student advising duties, a PhD dissertation, and a new baby. We’d also just bought a new house in a new city, and Vinz had just taken on new responsibilities at his job. On top of all this, I was suffering from post-partum depression and bad. I wish I’d had the courage to ask my colleagues for help or my dissertation supervisor for support. Instead, I quit teaching the course in the middle of the semester (and ruined my credibility in the process) and shortly after dropped out of the PhD program. Instead of talking to Vinz and maybe getting help from him, I attacked him, which led to arguments.

Years later I was telling all this to my sister-in-law, who looked me square in the face and said, “Why didn’t you come to your family for help? That’s what we’re here for.” Would that I had!

Now I understand that my unwillingness to ask for help arose from a fear that I would appear weak and a failure at work and at home. Truth be told, I couldn’t handle all the roles I was asking myself to play. Perhaps some people would have seen my vulnerabilities as weaknesses or even failures. More likely, my friends and family would have held out a helping hand because that’s precisely what I needed. I wish I’d asked for it.

In the two years since Paige was born, I did a complete 360 where asking for help is concerned. I ask a neighbor to pick Chloe up from school when I have an afternoon appointment, I’ve asked Vinz to take over the girls’ bedtime routine, which he does willingly and lovingly, I even asked my mother-in-law to help me design my business cards – and they look fabulous. I’ll ask a friend to keep Paige for the 15 minutes it takes me to run to the store for milk, and she’s happy to help.

My daily life has gotten so much easier, and perhaps best of all I don’t feel all alone in my life! Thanks to all of you out there supporting my dream of writing by reading my blog. I appreciate your HELP.

Tags: behavior children, Black and (A)Broad, Black and (A)Broad, black and abroad, black & abroad, Blackandabroad, Book review, Critical eye, Cultural, Dutch culture, Kids, Parenting, Poetry, Sister sistah, Toastmaster, Travel, Writing, Pub, black dating, black dutch, black films, black girls, black girls rock, black race, black women movies, book review, chester himes biography, chester himes books, children, critical eye, Cultural, culture netherlands, dutch breakfast, dutch cheese, dutch clogs, Dutch culture, dutch customs, dutch dinner, dutch food, dutch jokes, dutch language course, dutch magazine, dutch men, dutch people, dutch people are from, dutch recipe, dutch stereotypes, dutch symbols, dutch traditions, dutch wiki, dutch wikipedia, expat the Netherlands, expats zuid Holland, forum about and for black women, forum black woman, geoffrey himes, Ghostwriting, Go, Good reads, himes, himes chester, holland culture, indian men and black women, kids, learn dutch, learn to speak dutch, living, Living in the Netherlands, media black, Parenting, parents, poetry, Publishing, racism, Sister Sistah, Toastmaster, traditional dutch costume, travel, where are dutch people from, white black, writing
Posted in Living smarter not harder | 15 Comments »

About a year or so ago I learned through my writing process just how far 15 minutes can go towards reaching my goals. Since then, I’ve discovered another area to which to apply this golden…let’s make that silver…rule: spending time with my kids.

This week’s Living Smarter Not Harder tip is dedicated to that old maxim of parenting that quality matters more than quantity. My husband and I have been putting it to the test, and you know what? There’s something to it.

Driving home last week after our weekend away, hubby said, out of the blue, “Carolyn, I’ve realized something these last few weeks”. “What’s that?” I asked. “I noticed that when I give Chloe a bit of undivided attention, she’s happy to entertain herself for a while.” I smiled and shared with him my newly adopted strategy for warding of Paige’s temper tantrums, which usually occur after she’s been to daycare. “It’s funny you mentioned that because I’ve found that when I sit with Paige and read her book or two she’s a lot calmer.” We agreed to continue this MO for as long as it works.

I’m not saying that you should pick one 15-minute period each day to read a book to your children and then leave them to their own devices for the rest of the day. I’m not letting you off that easy! I am suggesting that periodically you stop what you’re doing and show your children that they’re worth your time, attention, and affection. Sing a few songs, color, play a game, give a horsey-back ride around the room, kick a ball around outside, or whatever. Your take of the booty is a calmer, more content child who is secure enough to be without your attention. It’s a win-win situation that makes raising your children less stressful and more joyful!

Tags: Black and (A)Broad, Black and (A)Broad, black and abroad, black & abroad, Blackandabroad, Book review, Critical eye, Cultural, Dutch culture, Kids, Parenting, Poetry, Sister sistah, Toastmaster, Travel, Writing, Pub, book review, critical eye, Cultural, Dutch culture, Ghostwriting, Go, kids, Parenting, poetry, Publishing, Sister Sistah, Toastmaster, travel, writing
Posted in Living smarter not harder | 6 Comments »

This week’s tip for my Living Smarter Not Harder series addresses how we as women talk to and about ourselves. I’ve noticed how comfortable we women are focusing on our perceived shortcomings, belittling our accomplishments, and making self-destructive comments like “I’m such an idiot” or “I’m so disorganized” or “My book will never be a best seller”. At the very least, this way of living is negative; at it’s worst, it prevents us from experiencing our potential.

Our bodies, for example, are our prime targets of sabotage. After giving birth two years ago to my last child, I found myself focusing on my mommy-tummy. Yes, I’ve been congratulated on more than one occasion for being pregnant! For the better part of a year, I literally cringed when I took a side view of myself in the full-length mirror hanging on my bedroom wall. I scoffed whenever my husband told me that I was “looking good”, so much that he stopped complimenting me, which, of course, reaffirmed the unseemliness of my new bulge. Needless to say, my self-image has taken one heck of a beating – at my own hands.

Enter Louise Hay’s pocket-sized book of “Power Thoughts”. Now I know some of you are going to scoff at the hokiness of the 365 daily affirmations (like I did when my dear friend Denise recommended it to me), but it has changed my life. My two favorites are “My body is my friend” and “My body takes me everywhere easily and effortlessly”, and I say them almost daily. Let me tell you how they’ve helped me to live smarter.

By telling my self something positive, this insight came to me. Of course my body has changed from the taut young thang that used to rollerblade for hours around the streets of Washington, DC 15 years ago. In places it’s become softer, and dare I say, pudgier! But this new body has born witness to several stints abroad, a loving relationship with my hubby, two beautiful little girls, and sedentary career as a freelance writer who works at home.

Indeed, “my body takes me everywhere easily and effortlessly”. When I’m struggling to complete my 5K runs because my legs hurt or I’m just dang tired, I say this affirmation out loud as many times as it takes for me to realize I’m almost done with this run. When I’m lifting weights in my BodyPump class at the gym and my triceps are burning, I tell my self that “my body takes me everywhere easily and effortlessly” as many times as it takes to lift my way to the end of the song. If that’s not enough, my body took me through the mother of workouts: natural childbirth at home!

This little book of affirmations led me to create my own “book” of successes to remind myself of my accomplishments the day (or week or year) before. From the seemingly insignificant like getting myself and my girls dressed, fed, and out the door in time for school – without rushing – to the big-ticket items like deciding to let go of a career in academia to pursue writing, these accomplishments give me the self-confidence I need to keep going when I doubt my abilities.

Talking to myself positively also has made a difference in how I interact with my kids. When I question my effectiveness as a mom, I remind myself of how well I guide Paige through temper tantrums by escorting her to the hallway and letting her scream and shout it out until she’s ready to stop instead of me screaming and shouting at her to make her stop. I look at what a self-possessed little girl Chloe has become and know that I’ve had something to do with that. No one will ever hear me call myself a “bad mommy”.

We’ve come a long way from Stuart Smalley’s daily affirmation of “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit people like me” (remember that from Saturday Night Live?) to Louise L. Hay’s “Power Thoughts” and my “book” of successes. And let me tell you one thing: anything that helps me to live smarter as a woman, a mother, and a professional is all right with me.

Posted in Living smarter not harder | 10 Comments »

My husband was instrumental in making this week’s tip for my living smarter and not harder series a reality.

Multitasking is an art and a necessity that even our language encourages. Killing two birds with one stone has become routine for me, especially since having two additions to my once normal life. Just an hour ago I was sauteing the veggies for the chili I was making for dinner tonight. At the same time I was making peanut butter and chocolate sprinkles (hagelslag for you Dutchies out there) sandwiches for my girls. I also noticed the dishwasher still needed emptying. In between delivering lunch, stirring my chili, and putting glasses away, I was also putting away the groceries. To the average passerby, I must have looked like a human octopus.

Months and months ago my hubby witnessed my octopussing and said gently, ever so gently,

“I notice you going from one thing to next, Carolyn, usually before finishing the first.”

“And your point?” I answered not a little huffily.

“Well, you’re stressed out, probably because you aren’t finishing any one thing,” he offered.

“Yes, but all this stuff needs to be done,” I said, defending my way of life.

“Why don’t you try finishing off one activity before starting another?” he suggested.

“Because I’m a woman and I can, that’s why,” I shot back.

“Do me a favor,” he asked patiently, “try it and see how it works.”

I made it a point to test hubby’s theory and you know something? It worked. Focusing on one thing until its completion has actually reduced my stress and irritation, and I find myself getting things done. Now it doesn’t all get done at the same time, but eventually, it gets done.

Old habits die hard, and today at lunch is a good example of that. But in the middle of my so-called multitasking, I remembered that conversation with my husband, and at that moment, I stopped everything and focused on my dinner. As soon as all the ingredients were simmering in the pan, I stepped over to the dishwasher and emptied it. When the last spoon was resting with all the others, I turned my attention to the groceries. Everything got done, and I was calm.

Sure, on some levels multitasking works. It gives me the illusion of having all my chores under control. It keeps me in motion. It makes me believe I’m using my time efficiently. But, these apparent advantages mean little when my heart is pounding, I’m dropping or spilling things because I’m more focused on my next move than the current one, and irritated when my one of my girls asks me a question.

As my goal is to reduce stress and other negative energy to make way for constructive thinking and creativity, I have to begin cutting off tentacles and focusing on what I can do with two hands. After all, I’m only human.

Posted in Living smarter not harder | 8 Comments »

A snappy little saying I once heard at least a decade ago when I was a graduate student, “working smarter not harder” has become my mantra. In fact, a strategy I only applied in my job has permeated all aspects of my life.

Living smarter not harder means, to me, completing the daily activities I’ve placed highest on my priority list. They are the “A’s” on my to-do list. Not only that. Living smarter means using my valuable and limited time wisely, living my days with minimal stress and worry about getting everything done. Since I’ve applied this strategy to every area from spending time with my kids to meeting my own self-imposed writing deadlines, I can actually read a book for pleasure, practice breathing techniques, or just sit on the couch and watch mindless tv.

With that in mind, I made a list of the techniques I’ve been using for a good year and decided to share them with you every Tuesday. I’m sure you’ve heard most of them before; now’s the time to incorporate them into your hectic lives. Enjoy.

This first tip is for the hyper-busy moms out there, especially those of you with small children. If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably been spending inordinate amounts of time sorting mounds of laundry, lugging it up the stairs, shoving it into the washing machine, dragging it to the dryer, hanging up items that need to be air dried, folding it, sorting it, toting it back down the stairs, and putting it away only to get up the next day and start all over again.

Immediately after Paige was born (two years ago on Monday!), I was flabbergasted that such a small thing could generate so much laundry. Back then, when her poop was runny and tended to miss the diaper and run down the legs of her pants and up her back (you know what I’m talking about), or when she spit up more milk than she kept down, I had to wash everyday. So I did until last December.

I’d just finished washing everything in preparation for our ski trip to Austria when I noticed the washing machine was leaking into the bathroom just below it. When we returned a week and several loads later, it was to a machine we couldn’t use. Luckily, my good friend and neighbor (and mother of three small children) offered to let me wash at her house. I promised I would inconvenience her only on Saturday. So there I was, carrying loads of sometimes wet clothes back and forth across the street and then up two flights of stairs. This went on for four weeks until we bought a new one.

I realized something. We didn’t run out of clean clothes; nor did our quality of life take a turn for the worst. Best of all, “found” time during the week to do other things. I kick off “Living Smarter NOT Harder” with the strategy of limiting laundry to once a week. Now, you may find yourself wearing a pair of jeans twice a week. (Now, I know that many Americans would sooner have a root canal than wear the same outfit two times in a row, but that’s normal here in Holland). You may also start wearing pants from way back in your closet or shirts from the bottom of the pile. You may also decide to buy extra socks and underwear to last the full week. One thing’s for certain: you will not miss this endless chore while sitting on the couch having a cup of coffee or enjoying an extra hour to meet that deadline. Most of all your back will love you again.

Let me know how it works out for you. Until next Tuesday.

Posted in Living smarter not harder | 6 Comments »